Fucked Up Japan

For those of you who are complete n00bs to this whole living in Japan thing, you will probably find the site nihonhacks.com quite useful. It features a bunch of fellow Japan noobies giving advice about saving 10 yen here and there and other little known conveniences in Japan. Like this recent “hack”, send in by reader Heidi who says:

Here is a Nihon Hack that some people may not know (if it hasn’t been posted yet). Living in Japan, one difficulty I have found is finding easy access to western style toliets. Sometimes you can end up in line waiting for a long time, or be unfortunate enough to not find a bathroom at all. the best soultion to this problem is the ever amazing convienience store (conbini)! Usually there is a clean, western style bathroom in most of your major name brand conbini’s like Lawson’s or 7/11. This has been a real life savor in busy places like Osaka!

Do spare a thought for poor Heidi, who was obviously disabled in a horrendous car crash and has been rendered unable to squat (or spell), thus can only use the advanced and far superior Western style of toilet. Hey Heidi - the convenience store also sells chocolate bars - did you know that?

Well, here’s my fucked-japan hack submission for you (if you are a complete ‘tard, that is)! Living in Japan, I often find myself hanging around bars and eventually wanting to piss. Sometimes I want to piss just once on the way home, sometimes even more! In situations like these, I find the best solution is to remember the Japanese custom of pissing anywhere, anytime. You see old Japanese men do it all the time, so fuck it - you should too. Japanese people are forever wanting foreigners to behave more like Japanese - now would be a damn good time to start!

(Image: zombiepanda)

Do you have any useful fucked-Japan hacks? Add them to the comments and I will republish them with no benefits whatsoever for you.

Seriously though, do check out the site as there some real treasures in there. If however, you have an issue with pissing (or shitting) into holes in the ground (aka Japanese style toilets), I suggest you read our previous post all about adult diapers.

One more random Japanese urine related pic if you read the full post…

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Update time - it’s been a busy weekend. Between now living with my girl, clearing out a mates back yard, and stuffing myself full of cake, there hasn’t been a lot of time for my regular perversions. You know how difficult it is to upload random porn torrents when the girl is breathing down your neck? But let me tell about what I got up Sunday anyway.

In Japan, they’re pretty big on the all-you-can-eat style of… eating. It’s called TABEHODAI, and there’s also usually NOMIHODAI for all-you-can-drink alcohol too. I have tabehodai Korean BBQ and tabehodai Italian quite a lot, and I always get nomihodai beer when I go to karaoke, but this weekend I dared to experience the wonder of tabehodai “sweets” at a place called SWEETS PARADISE in Kyoto. Truth be told, I’m rather partial to a bit of chocolate and have a what some might call a sweet tooth - when I was in elementary school I would come home and make my own dessert-snack that consisted of ice cream, sugar, icing sugar, random syrup and chocolate sprinkles.

So it was with absolutely no fear that I specifically avoided eating dinner that Sunday night and calmly entered into my 90 minutes of all-you-can-eat cake paradise at precisely 8:10 pm, and was immediately given a chirpy waitress that the chocolate fountain would be closing at 9pm. “The chocolate fountain?” I enquired, only to be told sternly to shut up my girlfriend because she would explain later - our time was already ticking, you know. The chocolate fountain, you see, is just that. It’s like a little prop from the Wonka Factory set, only real - the chocolate bursts neatly out of the top and forms 3 separate cascades of pure happiness, into which one is encouraged to immerse small dry cakes, marshmallows and suchlike - and then add a healthy dose of sprinkles.

I heartily tackled my first full plate. I felt so naughty. If only my mother could see me now. Instead, a table full of high school girls is watching me instead. Its fine, I tell myself, they don’t know me. There’s only about 3 guys in this place, and one is a waiter. Fuck, am I gay for coming here? No dammit, I’m with my girl. Just need to get down to the business of eating cake.

The first plate over, I was feeling like now I’d had my main course, and possibly it was time for dessert. Back for more, 8:16.

8:21 - I’m halfway through my second plate of cakes and second side dish of chocolate fountain-ized marshmallow and sponge cake things (with sprinkles). Starting to feel a little queesy.

8:25 - Done. Fuck this. I made it this far. 2 full plates, who could ask for more? My girlfriend scolds me - what waste, we’re only 15 minutes into our 90 minutes alloted time. I feel utterly disappointed in myself. She refuses to eat more cake, though she is perfectly able - eating cake alone just isn’t fun. She grabs a bowl of pasta to sulk, while I work out if I’ll be able to ever eat cake again.

Aimed specifically at Otaku (or rather, “men in their 20s who aren’t very good at meeting people” were the exact words I think), and standing a rather useless 38cm high, EMA is the stuff of sci-fi legends in a slightly limited toy form. Like a modern geisha, EMA (which stands for something so stupid it isnt worth explaining) sings, dances with built-in and programmable moves, reacts to music, hands out (a) business card, and kisses you.

Huh? Yeh. She kisses you, when you bring your hand or face near. You have to watch video if you don’t believe me.

Due out this month for just Sess than $200 from Sega, who had this to say at a recent toy fair:

she is indeed an entirely new type of female entertainment robot.

A playful glimpse of the future, methinks. Reminds me of the Outer Limits episode with the holographic girl house management software representation who could only get some with her master in a special sensory chamber, and eventually punished him for wanting someone real. How long before these robots are life size with space to plug in your wank-cup I wonder? I think it’s fairly fucking obvious that’s where they’re headed with this right?

Via [japansugoi]

All the rage now, they tell me, is to make your own little paper loli in various angles and take pictures with her around your house. How about spending that time doing something a little more productive you lame ass otaku! Here’s one of the dodgier ones from this site:

Very creative, see, the genius at work there (no reference to the latest iTunes, whose “genius sidebar” for recommending songs should really be renamed the random iTunes store content grabber of unrelated shit) - the mix of 2D and 3D, bringing the ever longed for perfect loli into our lame little existence of reality.

Wait… wait… He’s milking her penis~ ? wtf?

On a recent Sunday afternoon, inside the offices of Paradise.TV porn production company, some of their hottest stars line up waiting to be fondled by fans for ¥1000 yen a pop (a pop being 5 squeezes)

Outside is a line of five men, each of whom is eagerly awaiting his turn to grab (with both hands) the bare buttocks and breasts of two adult video (AV) actresses five times for 1,000 yen - with all the proceeds being used for research to prevent the spread of the HIV virus and AIDS.

What a wonderful to dirty old otaku do something good for society! The “24 hour TV: Eroticism saves the Earth” event is held annually and last year raised as much as ¥2,000,000 yen. Actually, that isn’t an awful lot. It’s about 7 months wages for me. But still, good job guys!

I wonder if there are rules regarding nipple pinching or bum smacking?

Conspicuous by its absence is the “Tekoki Jinja,” or hand-job shrine, which debuted four years ago and allowed visitors to receive three minutes of intense stroking at the hands of an AV pro for 3,000 yen. In lieu of this form of worship, Suzuki explains, the buttocks squeeze debuted this year instead.

Credit: TokyoReporter

Instead of hassling people who ride their bicycles without lights on, it seems the police were doing some real work the other day by responding to a possible corpse in the woods.

Fifteen officers were dispatched to the scene, where they discovered a human form wrapped in plastic and tightly bound around the neck, midriff and ankles, with hair protruding from one end.

The body was left untouched and taken away for examination, and the crime scene duly secured by a police cordon.

Back at the local police headquarters, officials notified reporters who had turned up early the same morning to cover an annual earthquake drill. They began preparing to write up the launch of a major murder investigation.

Dozens of extra officers were dispatched to interview potential witnesses, while the evening edition of the local newspaper carried a report of the gruesome find, complete with a photograph of the body’s resting place.

By mid-afternoon, the body was in the hands of police pathologists. But when they sliced open the wrapping, they were confronted not by a decomposing corpse, but by a life-sized sex doll.

Truly, a retarded bunch of dicks. Another popular police past time in Kyoto around the station is to randomly stop foreigners and demand their passport or gaijin card, then write their details down in a little book and ask fucking stupid questions like “why are you here in the train station today?”~ and if you dare to reply “you fucktard, I’m catching a fucking train” then you can be held in jail for up to 2 weeks with no charges, and even worse, be forced to eat shitty Japanese food everyday.

Oh, thanks to JapanProbe for the story. Sorry if some of you are having trouble with frames and overlapping content, I’m trying to narrow down the issue but I suspect the template is just too damn wide. Currently considering new template options.

Regular readers will know that my most recent obsession is haikyo, or abandoned buildings. A tip from one loyal reader sent me in the direction of a Soapland in Shiga prefecture, but sadly the front and back doors were locked down tight along with all the windows - and it just so happens I didn’t bring my bolt cutters with me that day. Apart from the fact that it was entirely in the open and a kids swimming looked on from next door, I would otherwise have had no problem breaking in, but you know. Do please send me your tips for abandoned buildings if you live around Japan, and even better why not add them to the new Haikyo Google Map I whipped up this morning.

View Larger Map

Anyway, suffice to say I wasn’t satisfied without breaking in somewhere, so we drove on for a bit and found a giant Ferris wheel that appeared to be not moving. Usually a good sign. Further investigation and a number of very dodgy u-turns and we finally made it to the abandoned theme park! Not sure about it’s technical Japanese name, but it was once the biggest Ferris wheel in the world (I think we got that one covered in London now), and is situated right next to the Biwako Ohashi (big bridge over lake Biwa).

Abandoned theme park, Shiga Ohashi

http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?ie=UTF&msa=0&msid= 104288505015363125869.000455d104ab5dc014e6c

14 Photos

Also, this story on JapanProbe caught my eye: ALTs out in the butt-fuck countryside using an abandoned hotel for BB fights… Awesome. Check out the very dodgy filmed video below.