Fucked Up Japan

For those of you who are complete n00bs to this whole living in Japan thing, you will probably find the site nihonhacks.com quite useful. It features a bunch of fellow Japan noobies giving advice about saving 10 yen here and there and other little known conveniences in Japan. Like this recent “hack”, send in by reader Heidi who says:

Here is a Nihon Hack that some people may not know (if it hasn’t been posted yet). Living in Japan, one difficulty I have found is finding easy access to western style toliets. Sometimes you can end up in line waiting for a long time, or be unfortunate enough to not find a bathroom at all. the best soultion to this problem is the ever amazing convienience store (conbini)! Usually there is a clean, western style bathroom in most of your major name brand conbini’s like Lawson’s or 7/11. This has been a real life savor in busy places like Osaka!

Do spare a thought for poor Heidi, who was obviously disabled in a horrendous car crash and has been rendered unable to squat (or spell), thus can only use the advanced and far superior Western style of toilet. Hey Heidi - the convenience store also sells chocolate bars - did you know that?

Well, here’s my fucked-japan hack submission for you (if you are a complete ‘tard, that is)! Living in Japan, I often find myself hanging around bars and eventually wanting to piss. Sometimes I want to piss just once on the way home, sometimes even more! In situations like these, I find the best solution is to remember the Japanese custom of pissing anywhere, anytime. You see old Japanese men do it all the time, so fuck it - you should too. Japanese people are forever wanting foreigners to behave more like Japanese - now would be a damn good time to start!

(Image: zombiepanda)

Do you have any useful fucked-Japan hacks? Add them to the comments and I will republish them with no benefits whatsoever for you.

Seriously though, do check out the site as there some real treasures in there. If however, you have an issue with pissing (or shitting) into holes in the ground (aka Japanese style toilets), I suggest you read our previous post all about adult diapers.

One more random Japanese urine related pic if you read the full post…

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In an entirely off-topic note, but more than likely related to the lack of regular updates lately….

Once in a while, one of those games comes along that just reminds you why you are a gamer in the first place. The kind of games that make you pull an all-nighter, then call in sick the next week - Quake, Command and Conquer, Civilization… and now Fallout. At least, the 3rd installment. I have played Fallout 1 and 2, and even some of the weird spinoffs, but they never really dragged me in that deep due the difficulty and linearity. I always seemed to get to certain point, then would have absolutely no idea what to do next or would come up against some impossibly hard situation that I would just give up - and then just kill people, only to find after killing one person I had no option but to kill everyone else too. How did all those fuckers know I killed. Fallout 3 has totally changed that. I won’t bore you with a fanboy review - just suffice to say it freakin’ rocks.

More to the point though, is that living in Japan generally means you don’t get access to the most awesome games, and if they do get released at all it is invariably only in Japanese language versions. That’s where my wonderful friend PlayAsia comes in. They stock all the Asian versions of the games, the multilingual ones destined for countries in Asia that can actually speak English, unlike the ‘tarded Japanese who treat English learning as a hobby.

Of course, they also have the usual hentai import Japanese games and anime that otaku all over the world get wet for.

Anyway, there was a coupon that came with my order that gives $5 off minimum order $50, so hurry and get your dodgy import games (or English language versions for us Japan residents) before Christmas. Coupon ends as soon as someone uses it or on 29 December 2008, whichever comes first. Read the full post for the coupon code!

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From the team of most awesome design and innovation ever Tomy Toys Japan comes the Hi-Kara, a karaoke machine that literally fits in your pocket. You feed the $100 machine with proprietary cartridges that cost about $22 for 10 songs, and the device spits out a video and words on the teeny tiny LCD screen. How freaking awesome is that? Haven’t you always wanted to be able to do Karaoke on the go? Sadly, it seems like only a bunch of gay j-pop shit is available at the moment, so perhaps I’ll hold out on buying a ton for Xmas presents just yet. Read about all the ridiculously priced accessories for yourself at Tomy Japan site.

Update time - it’s been a busy weekend. Between now living with my girl, clearing out a mates back yard, and stuffing myself full of cake, there hasn’t been a lot of time for my regular perversions. You know how difficult it is to upload random porn torrents when the girl is breathing down your neck? But let me tell about what I got up Sunday anyway.

In Japan, they’re pretty big on the all-you-can-eat style of… eating. It’s called TABEHODAI, and there’s also usually NOMIHODAI for all-you-can-drink alcohol too. I have tabehodai Korean BBQ and tabehodai Italian quite a lot, and I always get nomihodai beer when I go to karaoke, but this weekend I dared to experience the wonder of tabehodai “sweets” at a place called SWEETS PARADISE in Kyoto. Truth be told, I’m rather partial to a bit of chocolate and have a what some might call a sweet tooth - when I was in elementary school I would come home and make my own dessert-snack that consisted of ice cream, sugar, icing sugar, random syrup and chocolate sprinkles.

So it was with absolutely no fear that I specifically avoided eating dinner that Sunday night and calmly entered into my 90 minutes of all-you-can-eat cake paradise at precisely 8:10 pm, and was immediately given a chirpy waitress that the chocolate fountain would be closing at 9pm. “The chocolate fountain?” I enquired, only to be told sternly to shut up my girlfriend because she would explain later - our time was already ticking, you know. The chocolate fountain, you see, is just that. It’s like a little prop from the Wonka Factory set, only real - the chocolate bursts neatly out of the top and forms 3 separate cascades of pure happiness, into which one is encouraged to immerse small dry cakes, marshmallows and suchlike - and then add a healthy dose of sprinkles.

I heartily tackled my first full plate. I felt so naughty. If only my mother could see me now. Instead, a table full of high school girls is watching me instead. Its fine, I tell myself, they don’t know me. There’s only about 3 guys in this place, and one is a waiter. Fuck, am I gay for coming here? No dammit, I’m with my girl. Just need to get down to the business of eating cake.

The first plate over, I was feeling like now I’d had my main course, and possibly it was time for dessert. Back for more, 8:16.

8:21 - I’m halfway through my second plate of cakes and second side dish of chocolate fountain-ized marshmallow and sponge cake things (with sprinkles). Starting to feel a little queesy.

8:25 - Done. Fuck this. I made it this far. 2 full plates, who could ask for more? My girlfriend scolds me - what waste, we’re only 15 minutes into our 90 minutes alloted time. I feel utterly disappointed in myself. She refuses to eat more cake, though she is perfectly able - eating cake alone just isn’t fun. She grabs a bowl of pasta to sulk, while I work out if I’ll be able to ever eat cake again.

Sir Lee of TokyoTimes managed to find a used panty machine and took some pictures before purchasing a pair. Just kidding Lee. Go check out TokyoTimes for more pictures. I suspect that since the sale of real used panties was actually outlawed a few years ago, like most used panties being sold these days they are entirely faked, and most likely have a little skunk piss lotion dripped on them to make them seem realistically soiled. Not that I’ve ever bought any, you understand - I have my own girlfriends soiled panties to get off on so I hardly need to pay for the privilege.

Perhaps you think I’m a being a little racist here and that today I’m going to rant about some shitty service I got in some restaurant last night. Well, you’d be so completely wrong because (a) I don’t go to restaurants and (b) there really are some monkeys working at this restaurant in Utsnomiya.

An awful lot of Japanese people are complete monkeys though.

A recent news report reveals the shocking truth about how hard is to put on an adult diaper, and the intrepid reporter tries the new brand that has spent years of time and millions of tax payers money in development. His findings are what we, the viewers, were suspecting all along (whilst clinging onto the plastic sheets of our baby cribs) - the waist of this new brand is indeed stretchier than anything other adult diaper, ever. Riveting stuff, but don’t take my word for it.

Think he got unwillingly roped into that report? Bullcrap, I suspect he volunteered. All Japanese guys are babies at heart, they just want a girl to mother them and take care of their food and washing. Can’t blame them really, since most of them see more of the office than their family home. It’s not just the boys though, apparently.