Fucked Up Japan

For those of you who are complete n00bs to this whole living in Japan thing, you will probably find the site nihonhacks.com quite useful. It features a bunch of fellow Japan noobies giving advice about saving 10 yen here and there and other little known conveniences in Japan. Like this recent “hack”, send in by reader Heidi who says:

Here is a Nihon Hack that some people may not know (if it hasn’t been posted yet). Living in Japan, one difficulty I have found is finding easy access to western style toliets. Sometimes you can end up in line waiting for a long time, or be unfortunate enough to not find a bathroom at all. the best soultion to this problem is the ever amazing convienience store (conbini)! Usually there is a clean, western style bathroom in most of your major name brand conbini’s like Lawson’s or 7/11. This has been a real life savor in busy places like Osaka!

Do spare a thought for poor Heidi, who was obviously disabled in a horrendous car crash and has been rendered unable to squat (or spell), thus can only use the advanced and far superior Western style of toilet. Hey Heidi - the convenience store also sells chocolate bars - did you know that?

Well, here’s my fucked-japan hack submission for you (if you are a complete ‘tard, that is)! Living in Japan, I often find myself hanging around bars and eventually wanting to piss. Sometimes I want to piss just once on the way home, sometimes even more! In situations like these, I find the best solution is to remember the Japanese custom of pissing anywhere, anytime. You see old Japanese men do it all the time, so fuck it - you should too. Japanese people are forever wanting foreigners to behave more like Japanese - now would be a damn good time to start!

(Image: zombiepanda)

Do you have any useful fucked-Japan hacks? Add them to the comments and I will republish them with no benefits whatsoever for you.

Seriously though, do check out the site as there some real treasures in there. If however, you have an issue with pissing (or shitting) into holes in the ground (aka Japanese style toilets), I suggest you read our previous post all about adult diapers.

One more random Japanese urine related pic if you read the full post…

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According to Japan’s leading business newspaper Nikkei, sales of adult diapers have doubled over the past decade to 52.5 billion yen or $500 million annually. That’s one fuckload of stinky nappies. I personally assumed most of them were being sold to adult-baby festishists, but it seems they are actually designed for the growing elderly population. Fancy that, eh?

And what better way to showcase the needs of the old bastards then an adult diaper fashion show? Organized in part by the Aging Lifestyle Research Center, the show featured diaper-loving VOLUNTEER models walking the catwalk to the beat of ’80s hits like “Relax”, by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. The show included scoring of various kinds of diaper, I assume according to comfiness, movability and suchlike.

Relaxing - and getting comfortable with the idea of adult diapers - was the whole point of the show. “Diapers are something that people don’t want to look at,” said Kiyoko Hamada of the ALRC, “but if you make them attractive, then people can learn about them more easily.”

You sure hit the doodie on the head there baby Kiyoko. In fact, if they put Hello Kitty on the front of some of the adult size diapers, you can bet your incontinent monkeys that a whole load of regular Japanese girls would be clambering to get at the pink feline’s newest fashion statement.

And for those of you who are just dying to see some cute J-girls in diapers, hit the “read more” jump.

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Check out this awesome commercial for a sweet wrist cutter.

“Let’s Slit Our Wrists! Yay yay! It’s so cute!”

“The design is cute! Even when you cut yourself, it doesn’t hurt! It makes the blood taste delicious!”

“On sale now, the cute design cutter!”

It’s actually from from the up and coming Tokyo Gore Police （東京残酷警察　tokyo zankoku keisatsu), the new movie from the makers of the previously mentioned Machine Girl and winner of 2008 Best Asian film award. You can preorder now on Amazon America (curiously I can’t find the DVD on Amazon Japan…). If machine girl is anything to go by, TGP Tokyo Gore Police is going to rock just as fucking hard. The story centers around Ruka, a cop from a squad who’s mission is to destroy homicidal mutant humans known as “engineers” possessing the ability to transform any injury to a weapon in and of itself.

Will post the torrent too, soon as it is released. Please add in the comments if you can find it before I do!

From the team of most awesome design and innovation ever Tomy Toys Japan comes the Hi-Kara, a karaoke machine that literally fits in your pocket. You feed the $100 machine with proprietary cartridges that cost about $22 for 10 songs, and the device spits out a video and words on the teeny tiny LCD screen. How freaking awesome is that? Haven’t you always wanted to be able to do Karaoke on the go? Sadly, it seems like only a bunch of gay j-pop shit is available at the moment, so perhaps I’ll hold out on buying a ton for Xmas presents just yet. Read about all the ridiculously priced accessories for yourself at Tomy Japan site.

Update time - it’s been a busy weekend. Between now living with my girl, clearing out a mates back yard, and stuffing myself full of cake, there hasn’t been a lot of time for my regular perversions. You know how difficult it is to upload random porn torrents when the girl is breathing down your neck? But let me tell about what I got up Sunday anyway.

In Japan, they’re pretty big on the all-you-can-eat style of… eating. It’s called TABEHODAI, and there’s also usually NOMIHODAI for all-you-can-drink alcohol too. I have tabehodai Korean BBQ and tabehodai Italian quite a lot, and I always get nomihodai beer when I go to karaoke, but this weekend I dared to experience the wonder of tabehodai “sweets” at a place called SWEETS PARADISE in Kyoto. Truth be told, I’m rather partial to a bit of chocolate and have a what some might call a sweet tooth - when I was in elementary school I would come home and make my own dessert-snack that consisted of ice cream, sugar, icing sugar, random syrup and chocolate sprinkles.

So it was with absolutely no fear that I specifically avoided eating dinner that Sunday night and calmly entered into my 90 minutes of all-you-can-eat cake paradise at precisely 8:10 pm, and was immediately given a chirpy waitress that the chocolate fountain would be closing at 9pm. “The chocolate fountain?” I enquired, only to be told sternly to shut up my girlfriend because she would explain later - our time was already ticking, you know. The chocolate fountain, you see, is just that. It’s like a little prop from the Wonka Factory set, only real - the chocolate bursts neatly out of the top and forms 3 separate cascades of pure happiness, into which one is encouraged to immerse small dry cakes, marshmallows and suchlike - and then add a healthy dose of sprinkles.

I heartily tackled my first full plate. I felt so naughty. If only my mother could see me now. Instead, a table full of high school girls is watching me instead. Its fine, I tell myself, they don’t know me. There’s only about 3 guys in this place, and one is a waiter. Fuck, am I gay for coming here? No dammit, I’m with my girl. Just need to get down to the business of eating cake.

The first plate over, I was feeling like now I’d had my main course, and possibly it was time for dessert. Back for more, 8:16.

8:21 - I’m halfway through my second plate of cakes and second side dish of chocolate fountain-ized marshmallow and sponge cake things (with sprinkles). Starting to feel a little queesy.

8:25 - Done. Fuck this. I made it this far. 2 full plates, who could ask for more? My girlfriend scolds me - what waste, we’re only 15 minutes into our 90 minutes alloted time. I feel utterly disappointed in myself. She refuses to eat more cake, though she is perfectly able - eating cake alone just isn’t fun. She grabs a bowl of pasta to sulk, while I work out if I’ll be able to ever eat cake again.

Sir Lee of TokyoTimes managed to find a used panty machine and took some pictures before purchasing a pair. Just kidding Lee. Go check out TokyoTimes for more pictures. I suspect that since the sale of real used panties was actually outlawed a few years ago, like most used panties being sold these days they are entirely faked, and most likely have a little skunk piss lotion dripped on them to make them seem realistically soiled. Not that I’ve ever bought any, you understand - I have my own girlfriends soiled panties to get off on so I hardly need to pay for the privilege.

Walked into a Softbank store the other day and told them I wanted me an iPhone to replace the piece of shit brick I was carrying around. Despite concerns over Softbank allegedly not giving iPhones to foreigners or charging them ridiculous amounts for one, they upgraded me straight away with no credit or Visa expiry checks and I paid nothing upfront.

BULLSHIT BAD POINTS:

There’s been a lot of criticism over how crap the iPhone actually is when compared to the fantastically more advanced Japanese phones, so I think I’d like to go through some of it and explain the bullshit away, since most of the criticism seems to come from people who obviously don’t have an iPhone or maybe not even Japanese phone, like the commenters over and JapanProbe. I’m guessing a lot of shit is hyped about Japanese phones, but let me tell you they really aren’t all that, even when the interface is in English.

Read on for the full review…

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